Dear APOCALYPSE #23

We are isolating, as much as possible, not leaving the apartment unless it seems absolutely necessary. Ohio went into statewide isolation last Monday, and we have been lucky enough to be able to work from home. Our internet was having issues for a while, and it was very stressful. I was afraid that we would lose our jobs. We haven't yet. We have been lucky in that regard. Many others, not so much.

I worry about my loved ones that I cannot go hug for what could possibly be the last time. I worry about everyone in general, too. I'm frightened. I am lonely. And I am isolated with a man that I am fairly certain does not love me anymore. Probably even resents me. He mostly ignores me. Sometimes, he hardly speaks to me. I want to be held. I want to be held and told that everything is going to be ok and to know that he loves me and cares that I'm ok. But, I don't see that happening.

I am too tired for this. Most of my strength was taken away by others or I gave it away to those who didn't deserve it and all of the trauma and pain has ruined me and taken away almost all of the good that I could be and who I am. The magick of me is gone. That is probably why he doesn't want me anymore. He's realized there isn't much left worth having. I had so much hope that he was the one that was here to help me heal and find my strength again. It seemed like it for a time. Sometimes, I hope this covid virus takes me. Maybe i could finally, truly rest and be at peace. Take me and spare someone more worthy of this life. Just give me enough time to make sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me.

(written on March 31st 2020)